Strength Renewed

00:21
New Zealand, Jess. I have to get my phone. Wait, I'm going to get it. Hold on. I like to make these podcasts as real as possible. I don't mind them at all. So you asked me what time it is in New Zealand. And I am going to tell you and I'm going to tell you, it's actually I'm going to be more even specific. I'm going to tell you what time it is in Wellington.

00:52
It is. Oh my God. Well done. And I have to say- That's a really big deal for me. This has only taken the better part of, how many years have we been friends now? I've- Four? Yeah. We've been friends for like four years. And it feels like my whole life, people who are like, I don't really remember a time where I wasn't friends with you, but I do remember a time when I wasn't able to tell you what time it was where you lived. Well, you should. I'd be pretty-

01:20
I, to be honest, I'd be pretty concerned if you couldn't, because it was literally three days ago, when you were like, what time is it? And I'm like, Jess, Google that shit. Only because I was at my absolute tether with all of the questions I was getting from people. They had no idea. They thought this was the only question, but it just happened. Like you would have thought, this is the only question that's, you know, probably don't necessarily need someone else to tell me I could find this myself, but I'd had literally like about.

01:47
183 of them that day and you were just on the back end of it. The embarrassing part is that I was asking you that question after I had already Googled it and was still fucking confused. I'm like, shit, I don't actually know what time it is and I don't want to fuck this up. So here I am. And then I, you know, yeah, selfishly, don't we all think we are the most important question asker? I mean, legitimately in your life, probably next to bears, maybe I think I am.

02:18
I'm not going to disillusion you with anything else other than you are, Jess. Thank you. I was hoping that was the only answer I was going to hear. But we do have this tendency, all of us do, you know, your clients, my clients, that are our teams that we work with. I mean, it's just what it is. Like we think whatever question we're asking is going to be quick. And we always think that we're the top of the line and no one is asking any other questions this day or asking for anything. And it's a tricky thing. It's a tricky thing.

02:47
when you are in any kind of business, and it's a particularly tricky thing when you are in the business of client services, right? When you are providing client services, it is a tricky line between giving too much. And I wouldn't say, I don't really think I'm ever accused of not giving enough. But I think sometimes you can push those boundaries, and you can push the questions. And

03:14
And it can happen really quick. And I will also say it can happen to as a step-parent, it can happen as a parent, it can happen as a spouse. Like you can just tend to kind of push those boundaries a little bit more than you need to. But I think, and so it's tricky, right? It's tricky. Yeah, and in fact, and I mean, part of it is probably our self-confessed, people-pleasing.

03:38
part of our personalities, right? I think both of us have an element of that. I think I'm slightly less of a people pleaser than you might be. That might be wrong, might be wrong, but I think I might be. However, I also like being of service to people. And so, and genuinely do not mind the questions that I get 99.9% of the time. But if you catch me on a day where it's like 29 degrees Celsius in my office, all the doors are open, the air is not moving.

04:06
And it's like 430 and I'm like, ah, you know, you're almost at that peak height of discomfort and irritability. And I am the opposite. I'm like, it's 29 degrees. Fahrenheit. Super cold here right now. Yes. And I'm trying to put on all of the sweatshirts and to just get myself a bit warm. But it's an important thing to think about. And I would...

04:35
offered this up, I think, as it pertains to health. I always like to play this game of, Brene Brown said this, but there's like, there's a rational brain and there's the emotional brain. And the emotional brain, she always calls it, is a hustler. And it will always try to hustle you out of your thoughts. So every time I, you know, I can't reschedule a training session or I can't show up in a certain way, I always feel like I'm getting hustled, right? By that emotional part. And I mean, God knows it.

05:03
fucking narrative, it's spinning, but it's definitely hijacking that part of my brain that says like, you're okay. And quite frankly, whatever worst case scenario that could happen will ultimately probably be better than what you were going to do with yourself by over committing and over yesing. And it's just it ultimately takes a strong toll on your cortisol levels, which I've come to realize are the master at

05:31
bloating and all kinds of things that you sort of feel, inflammatory things, all can come back to the root of the problem, which is spiked cortisol, which probably come back from just not creating a boundary or maybe just having a hierarchy.

05:52
Never saying no to Jessica, of course, but making sure you say no to the other people that ask the questions. But to be mindful, you know what it could be? To be really mindful of who you're saying yes to and how you're adjusting your days because it actually can sit in a hold for longer than that moment. You've had that happen to you before, right? Where you've said yes to something or you're overcommitted and then you suffer. Oh, I know.

06:19
Yeah. And also the same feelings, this is related, but a slightly different topic to the, to the uncomfortable conversations that we must have in our lives, you know? And, uh, and everyone knows that feeling of sort of the pit, the feeling that sits in the pit of your stomach. If you, you know, that you have to sometime today or sometime this week, sit down and have a really hard conversation. And it's very easy to.

06:47
catastrophize that in your mind, albeit to your point, like what you said before, the outcome is never going to be as bad as what you have sort of made it out in your head. So that's been a week of that as well. Like it's just been, it's been a frantic frenetic both, I can even be both, sort of week where all of my emotions are sort of been tied up into my gut. In addition to it being so hot here and

07:15
just feeling super uncomfortable. I've been this big ball of discomfort. Yeah, it is a real thing. So I'm thinking as I always like to do, I like to take all of our information and then kind of like massage it and try to come up with like some kind of, yeah, some kind of summary, but also like some kind of way that you can practice this. Because even in the, you know, the other night we did a live about creatine and I felt really good about it because although a lot of our

07:45
clients and community were coming back being like all of the reasons that they've struggled maybe once they started creating, at least we've told people why you'd want to use it and then how you would take it, right? Just keeping it simple. So I think when you're again, I go back to like a pen, I go back to paper, I know we have access to every bit of like, you know, technology, but sometimes just actually writing that thing down the same way you write your food down, just sort of right.

08:13
you know, what would happen, maybe just two things. If I said no, and write the worst, because I'd like, sometimes I think it's a little bit of a fallacy because sometimes the worst case of that scenario isn't great. It does happen and it does suck. And it's not over by the end of the day, or just because you had the conversation, hard conversation, or just because you did that thing that felt, you know, honest to you. But the repercussions continue on.

08:41
You know what I mean of that decision? Like it doesn't end just because you did what was honorable to your own ethics and values. You sort of have to like still put what, you know, the outcome of that back together again. And that period of time, you know, continues to be cortisol laden. So I'm just trying to think of like, what are some things we can do besides the obvious, talk to your friends and communicate.

09:10
write some of this stuff down, journaling, I guess, exercise, but some way to kind of process through it so you can make sense of it and also so you can develop the habit to do it again, because it's more than a one time thing. You got to do it again. Yeah, exactly. That's the crazy thing with these. You've got to put reps in. You've actually got to get resilience and put the reps in. You have to put freaking reps in. It's true, isn't it? Because the more you do it, the better you get. And to your point as well, though, like if it is...

09:40
you do feel so tortured by the idea of saying no to this one particular thing or whatever it is, and then you do put it in paper that the repercussions actually aren't worth saying no, then surely the answer is to say yes, or find another solution, right? Yeah, I probably don't do that enough. Yeah. I probably don't find enough. I mean, I imagine when you're having these difficult to

10:07
things you, what would, I mean, you can tell me what your process is. My process is typically to ruminate hardcore about it before I do it, to like, to like an oblivion. So almost sometimes I make myself feel so nauseous and so tense and tight. And then I have it and every now and then, you know, 20% of the time it's, it's, it's over and moved on. The, the repercussion of it is not that bad. And then oftentimes it hurts and it stings and it lasts longer than just that, that moment.

10:37
So I guess I just kind of practice. So I think the reps help with that. Putting things into our calendars, like actually putting the same way that you put a call in with you, or you put a training in with me or something. I think having timelines to conversations, having meetings, having dates, literally sticking them in somewhere. Because there's a certain sense of accountability when you do that. Then it's not.

11:06
this thing, I'll do it tomorrow. You know how many times I've said something to myself, I'll just do it tomorrow and then it's eight o'clock and I have not done it. And you've also just ruminated on it for another 24 hours. That's right. So you need a couple of things. So my method is to hash it out ASAP. I don't care. I want to immediately talk about it. So it's out of here, out of my nervous system and into the universe. And then I'll deal with the repercussions and then

11:35
And then I've actually gotten really good and I don't know who everyone sees this. And I just think it's such a good, uh, technique is to, is to sort of honor the way that you feel about it. You're allowed to feel bad about it, but you can only give it so much space. You cannot ruminate on that feeling from now until forever. Like, like you actually do have to move on. You've got the, you know, but you do have the right to feel bad about it and you should and try and, you know, um,

12:05
give yourself a day to sort of ruminate if you like, and then move on. Because actually that's not just not going to be of service to anyone, right? No, I'm definitely not of service to my family. I'm not, my poor husband's like, oh my God, if you have to talk about this one more time to me. And he has got about as much tolerance for this stuff as a rock. And you know what I mean? Like he's loving and caring, but he's like, I won't. I'll do like a one-time run through with you.

12:32
I won't do a five, a six, a seven, an eight. I think I actually need more. You need that. I actually need more dress rehearsals before I perform. So that's just kind of what I do. I probably, I think I appreciate, I appreciate how you just get in front of it. You're like, I don't want this sitting here. I want to go right away. I could probably be somewhere between you and somewhere between where I am. And it's funny because you said earlier,

12:58
I'm always struck by two things we say often about ourselves. Not just in general, I hear this a lot. I hear I'm a perfectionist a ton. You know what I mean? And I hear that I'm a people pleaser. Not me or you, but I hear these two terms. It's funny because I guess I am a people pleaser, but I think I just like being of service. You know what I mean? I like to be able to feel like if this is something that I'm good at and I do, it's like,

13:28
I can help that. I can solve, I can be of service, right, to this particular situation. And so, I don't know, it doesn't, the people pleasing just sort of feels, it almost makes me feel small. It almost feels more like a diminishing thing. Like I'm sure it's supposed to be as a compliment, but I don't like the way I feel when people tell me that I'm that person. No, no, I know, because people pleasing is often used in the derogatory sense, isn't it? Correct. Not derogatory, but it is in that diminishing sense. Or be it...

13:55
So maybe we would be reformed people pleases. Maybe when we were younger and we didn't know how to handle our emotions. 100%. Yeah, 100%. Sure, I was in that category, of course. Yeah, yeah. But I agree with you. Like my tendency is to want to help. Like is to genuinely want to help wherever possible. Yeah. Yeah, and. I have plenty of people in my life that say I'm no all the time. And like, am I supposed to value that? Like, it's fine. I'm like, I appreciate that they say no, but I, what's the.

14:25
freaking line between too many nos, too many yeses. Like, are you just like a bitch and a ball buster if you say no all the time? And then you're a people pleaser if you say yes? I, ugh. Like, there's got to be something in between that because that feels wrong. You know, it's just, I don't, I'm again, as we normally do, we're exploring this, but hopefully this can help because I know y'all are experiencing this and feeling this to some degree, right? Because we are constantly. No, I agree. And I feel like...

14:53
there's gotta be, I feel like if you continually say no to everything, like that is, like if you've got someone in your life who never helps, who is never of service to you in the way that you need them to be, you either have to recategorize them as a friend, not in terms of that they can't be a friend, but you've just gotta manage your expectations around that person, because you've thought that they're this one person and they're quite clearly not. And then also, I feel like you almost have to renegotiate with yourself about how you approach

15:23
when they ask you because it's almost like the rules of engagement aren't what you thought they were. So you almost need to fall in line with the rules of engagement because they're clearly not falling in line with yours. I don't know. What do you reckon? I think this is why I think some of the matters of how we think and how we communicate and how we speak are more complicated than we give it. I think there's people...

15:51
want to see this is so black and white. They want to see the just do this and it'll be so much easier for you or just do that. So far what I have found and I've had a lot of conversations about this, you know, with with prospective clients or why certain things work and why they don't. But so far, it's early in the year. But so far, what has continued to work for me is having things on the calendar, you know what I mean, making sure that it's there because even if you have to reschedule it, and I mean this with freaking everything.

16:21
podcast going when you're in your car, have a few windows open, you know what I mean? If maybe even like, and I'm thinking of things like we're even working on, like, you know, Google Docs or spreadsheets or something, just so that you can kind of add to them. Because I think it allows you to kind of to like sort of keep the practice of it. Because I don't I don't there's a, because you're right, there's almost every if you think about every single person in our life, there's just a little bit of a of an

16:51
change and how we might work with them. You know what I mean? Like it's not a one size fits all. At least I've never taken that approach. But I do know that in order for me to kind of like practice these things, they really almost have to be scheduled in a way, in a sense. You know what I mean? Like I'm not gonna get stronger in my leg strength if I don't do squats and lunges. And I'm not gonna get stronger in my ability to feel comfortable, but what...

17:19
feels right, call it boundaries, I guess, because I can't, unless I'm kind of putting them into play somehow, unless I'm practicing them. I'm not going to send you my nutrition plan unless the thing's up, which I've been doing, and not over worrying, but just inputting. So it's input. It's continual input. A great resource which I loved was Melissa Urban's book of boundaries. We could put that into the link. What have you taken from that?

17:49
I mean, the whole concept of when boundaries are appropriate. I've gotten a lot of useful stuff for clients when they're faced with social occasions or difficult conversations around their food with family members and things like that. So from a professional sense, it's been a really helpful resource. And just actually just having...

18:17
the book and listening to her talk about boundaries, it's almost like you're any exposure to material that reminds you that having boundaries is okay, is I think just strengthening that skill, at least for me, like that's what I do. I expose myself to people who do things which I feel like I want to improve in. And it reminds me that- I love that. I love that. Yeah. You should say that again. That's like, that is something to completely echo is that-

18:46
And I think this way in a podcast too, when I'm listening to certain podcasts, I feel like I am exposing myself. I am like literally allowing myself like the entry points of people that are kind of doing this skill and doing it successfully. You know what I mean? And so somehow it's kind of seeping into my pores a little bit. It's reminding us it's okay, actually. Like you know, you're not just a disappointment if you choose to respond in a way that might not be expected. Because

19:15
you're a summon of service, you know? It is definitely, and news flash, by the way, my whole point earlier was that we're all in some degree in a client service business, because even if this is not exactly what you do professionally, you are servicing others to some degree. You're not only with your family or friends. So it's a practice that will serve you and guaranteed.

19:42
when these things are stressing you out, they're also stressing out your nervous system. They're stressing out, and they are creating an inflammatory response in the body. So we're having these conversations because they all, all the roads lead back to health and how we can just allow you to feel stronger in your current situations, because that's sort of the name of the game. Every time before I get on and record our podcasts, and really quite frankly, the thing that I think

20:11
every day. And I think it was, I don't remember exactly who said it, but we've all said it to some degree is that when you are sick, and this is the time of year, right, this is the kind of flu and cold season. And I feel like a lot of people kind of are down at this time. You are the only thing you are thinking about is how do I get well? There's nothing else you're thinking about. And when you're well, you're thinking of everything, like how you're going to better yourself and what podcasts you're going to listen to and how you're going to like, you know, grow this line of business at work and da da da da. And so I just think

20:41
We want to do all the things that keep you well. And subconsciously, believe it or not, holding things in or not understanding how to create a boundary. And believe me, even the people, by the way, and I know you're all thinking about this, oh, I totally have a friend, we all do, who just seems to be effortless at it. They're like, no, I can't do that. You know what I mean? And they don't say it in like, this is not the rude, punky, no people. This is just like the ones who are just like.

21:08
You send them a thing a text and they get right back to you with like it doesn't work for me You know what I mean? Like I'll totally get back to you on some days that do like I don't that's not my natural My natural is probably just say yes, how can I make the time that they need work? Right, so it's like a completely different and I'm always like shit, you know, like I don't want to be like them But there's like a part of that. That's like it's just innate It's kind of like but even for those people and I've talked to those people they still

21:37
struggle because sometimes they wonder why it's so easy for them. To not be a little bit more accommodating. So yeah, also my friends, as you're pedestaling everybody or thinking that that person or that particular personality type somehow, you know, get, is this, it's, it's easy for them. It's not, they're still struggling because it's so easy for them to say that they're busy or they can't do it or whatever. So it's all, it's all going to be how this works for you. But again,

22:06
We'll pass along some readings. You don't have to read the entire book, probably the book you're talking about, to get kind of some best practices. Totally. And you could also listen to her on podcasts. She's done a ton of podcasts. She did a she did a micopedia with me, a little bit on the book of boundaries. That was really great, but she's done a number of them. So I think, you know, it should be worth a listen for sure. I mean, again, I think anytime you can do this and also

22:33
Find yourself a Jess and Mickey too, because I think it is so important, I was telling this about yesterday, one thing that always feels really good about our talks is that they're just open, they're receptive. It's like, give me what's on your head and let's disseminate it, let's work with it. You know what I mean? Not like, oh, you're thinking that? You know what I mean? Weirdo. I don't think you've ever used, it's really nice actually, you've never used the word weird.

23:01
Anytime I've ever talked about something, you've never said, that's weird. And I like love that. I don't realize how nice that feels because that in and of itself is a gift because it allows you to kind of explore that thought, that feeling a little bit deeper to see why it's there in the first place. And then you can kind of work with it. You know what I mean? Totally, but Jess, anyone you talk to about this stuff should never say to you, oh, that's a bit strange. You'd be surprised. It sounds like it.

23:30
Hey, now if I just finish us off with a tangent, I'll tell you what I discovered today. I have no idea what they're like, but you know how we tried the David bars? Yes, our good friends, the David bars. I thought you were gonna tell me some new clock or some new reason and an app or something that I could use in the film for times. No, no, no, no, no. This is the Jacob bar. Do you have a new David, what? A Jacob bar. Shut up. Yeah, yeah, Jacob. It's here in, now have I missed the religious?

23:58
I was just going to say, am I going to get these at Temple tomorrow when I go? I'm like, oh my gosh, there's like a David bar. Is there going to be a Jacob one? There's a Jacob bar. Yeah. Oh, this is a Jacob, that's what you're talking about. So David and Jacob, and I'm trying to think of another Hebrew name. Yeah, they're completely different companies, but they're both protein bars. And I'm like, that's so strange that the next bar that is sort of new and has a lot of the same...

24:26
It doesn't have the same sweetener, so it's higher in carbohydrate, but it's all sort of, there's no artificial anything in it. But it's a JT bar. Where did you find this bar? How do you even get here? Oh, on the line, online. Oh my God. On the interwebs. I know. I'm going to start calling you, like, I don't know what I'm going to call you. Just find a Hebrew name. I'm, I, but I need to name something like I'm quite, you know, when you seek things out or you find things out or I don't know, like, like.

24:56
knowledgeable, I suppose. Well, it speaks to your, I have a master's degree in communication, clearly it shows you have PhD. I mean, I think at some point, this is where you're, you know, you're just kind of, you're naturally inquisitive, you're naturally trying to find all of the things kind of within that space, right? And then I just- Oh yeah, but it's easy when you've got Facebook ads. I mean, it literally came up in my face. So I must- It did come up in mine, god damn it. I need to speak into the universe of like, you know-

25:24
I bet you it will now. I just, should we do a taste test next time? Like we'll each have a David's bar and then we'll have a, really the other bar is Jacob. I have to believe that they're somehow related. Yeah. Because there's no way I'm trying to think of like top Hebrew boys names. Because then I'll be able to like, you know, I'll be able to find what the next bar might be. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I just, I think, I think this is like hilarious.

25:54
So the top Hebrew boys names, just so we're on the same page, are Noah and Jacob. Okay, there's no David so far. Adam, Asher, Caleb. I'm just having you look for protein bars, okay? Yeah, okay, okay. Caleb, Elijah, Isaac, Levi, Nathan, and Samuel. So just be on the lookout for that. Maybe you and I can create our own based upon top Hebrew boy names. Yeah.

26:22
That would be a little bit left field but we could do there.

26:28
Maybe she got with the Javi Ru girl names and then have the like, the, the, the, this will be like our next side hustle is like coming up with a like perfect protein bar, right? That will kind of match the David bar and the Jacob bar. Could do that. It's interesting though, isn't it? Oh my God. No, I'm not going to get onto this one, this topic, they've got like man shake and late and woman shake is like, you know, so that that's sort of what that concept reminds me of, which is, it's crazy. Anyway, we're not going there. But we are going to, but we are, I really,

26:58
codes though, because you guys should try David's bar, but that's for another time. So we need to offer the code so that they can purchase away on this stuff, right? Well, you need to work on getting that because it's not even available in New Zealand, so that's a job for Jess. The Jacob bars here in the States? Yeah. Oh, no, shit. It's not in New Zealand. David's not in New Zealand either. Oh, well, go figure. Everything's always in New Zealand, it feels like. All the good stuff is in New Zealand. No, no, no. A Wellington.

27:26
Well, I love this. I feel like we will definitely be working through our boundaries while we're eating protein bars and communicating with the right people. But find your people. Find the people that sit with you energetically is also really important, because I think we all need a place to process what's in our head. And to do that, we need to be able to do that.

27:50
keep the date. If you have a hard, if you need to have a hard conversation, just something that's like, it may not even be that hard, but just one that you don't want to do, right? Hard can be relative. Just put it in your calendar. Yeah. Put things in your calendar. I honestly, it really helps stick them in there, put dates, whatever that is. It seems ridiculous, but like you would be surprised at the things like calendar and they are really helpful. So I think that we, we should think about that a little bit more and then we'll read some passages of this book. But

28:19
I just want you all to know that even the people that you think have like, you know, razor tight boundaries also struggle. So I think it is a universal issue. And I think, but just understand that the more of that that stays in us, which always kills me and people just like, I don't want to talk about it. Well, you know what, you should practice talking about it because otherwise those cortisol levels are going to stay elevated. There's nowhere for them to come down. You need them. You need to give them exit points. So to process

28:46
and work through, you might just subconsciously help with your boundaries and then you'll very consciously help with your information. And then finally, I mean, people should just feel, I guess, encouraged that it's a skill to be learned. It is not something you're born with. It's a skill to be learned, right? 100%. No one is born with them, no matter how ballbuster of a person that you are. And I just, I also think that I've learned from this podcast that...

29:15
I am not so much a people pleaser. I'm just a person who genuinely likes to service and help others. So I think those are two different things and I'm comfortable with that. And I should probably get a little more comfortable just saying, I can't do that, but here's what I can do. Yeah, I like that. Nice one, Jess. Thank you. Oh, million dollar question. Yeah. What are you grateful for? Today, honestly, I'm grateful that there is a beach, 200 meters down the road, and the tide might be a little bit out, but I'm going to...

29:43
hopefully head there in about an hour. Just try and get some water, because it is so hot. That you're that close to the beach? Yeah, tidal, but yes. What? Wait, you're speaking New Zealand again. A tidal beach, so it comes in and out with the tide. You don't even look at me. In and out with the tide. Yeah, so. OK. You can like slash your feet around or something, or what? Yeah. What is that? OK. Yeah. Perfect. Yeah. And I've got you, Jess. What are you grateful for? I'm not close to a beach, but a bathtub. I'm close to a bathtub.

30:12
I'm grateful for the bath I took. It's so funny. I mean, I am freezing cold. You're super hot. So I'm grateful for a moment to take an absence all bath to warm up. And I am grateful for the opportunity to talk about the things that feel hard, that in hopes become more habit for me. So I think I am grateful for that. And you always, I wish the world to have more.

30:39
of relationships like this because I think they are the ultimate in health. Lovely. I love it. Nice, Jess. Have a great evening. You too.